Psalm 128
What Does an “Ideal” Marriage Look Like?
We come this evening to the end of our series
that’s taken us for a good part of this summer, the last three months on family
and marriage and children, and tonight I want us to answer the question, “What
does an ideal marriage look like?” We turn for our instruction to Psalm 128.
Hear the Word of God.
“How blessed is everyone who fears the Lord who walks in
His ways. When you shall eat of the fruit of your hands you will be happy and it
will be well with you. Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine within your house
your children like olive plants around your table. Behold, for thus shall the
man be blessed who fears the Lord. The Lord bless you from Zion and may you see
the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life. Indeed, may you see your
children’s children. Peace be upon Israel.”
Let’s pray together:
Our Father in heaven, as we turn now once again to Your
word, as we look for instruction in this whole area of marriage, we ask for Your
blessing. Come Holy Spirit and illuminate this passage of Scripture to us; we
are a needy people. We ask it in Jesus’ name. Amen.
My title is “What does an ideal of perfect marriage look
like?” Perhaps we just settled for survival, and idealism and perfection is a
long way off. I asked Dr. David Jussely, a neighbor and colleague of mine at
the seminary, “Give me some help on the ideal marriage.” And David said, “The
only perfect marriage was in Genesis 2 and it didn’t last very long.”
Here’s a story, and it’s a true one. “Karen waved
goodbye to her husband and kids as she closed the garage door she added another
item to the “to do” list in her mind–call the service man. It wouldn’t be long
before that noisy vibrating door refused to work at all. She walked through the
laundry room ignoring the perpetual stack of white and colored clothing–coffee
first, and then she would climb these mountains. She’d been up since 6 o’clock,
but this was the first moment she had had to herself. Even though the twins were
High School seniors and could fend for themselves, they’d grown to expect mom’s
packed lunches that were far superior to cafeteria food. Dave also depended on
her–his shirts and dry cleaning needed for another four-day business trip was
ready for him. The routine was automatic after so many years of practice. In the
early days she would drive Dave to the airport, often still with the twins in
their pajamas; the three of them would be back on Friday evening awaiting the
return of the conquering hero and hoping he had enough energy left to talk,
listen, buy them ice cream after dinner, take them to the park to push them on
the swings. These days though, Dave left the car in the park and flies. If he
could catch the early flight on Fridays he would usually drive directly to the
golf club. Karen knew he needed “the space” those nine holes provided. Yet she
secretly wished it was more like “old times.” He was a good provider, didn’t
miss the school conferences, and certainly hadn’t developed one of those
potbellies like many of her friends’ husbands. (Ouch!) It had been a while since
romance caused her heart to race and her breath to become short, but there was a
lot to be said for good-old faithfulness. She knew imagination had never been
Dave’s strong suit. And predictability was better than nothing. Still, it would
be fun just once to… She suspended her wishful thoughts and reheated her coffee
in the microwave. If only it were that simple to put the warmth back into their
marriage. Dave seldom boarded his flight until the last minute. He was on the
phone as usual. “If we wrap things up by say, 2 o’clock, I’m sure we can get in
eighteen holes before dark.” As he spoke, he smiled at his traveling companion
who was finishing her first Evian of the morning. When his company hired a
woman as the marketing director for his territory, her responsibilities had
originally been fulfilled from the home office, but for the past year, she’d
begun to travel with him at least twice a month. She was eleven years his
junior. At first he felt a sense of brotherly protection for her, especially
when he saw the stares she attracted from other men. But over time, he had
developed an attraction to her. He couldn’t remember exactly when it happened.
Perhaps the morning they were jammed together in the back of the overcrowded 727
on route to San Antonio, pressing their knees together as they attempted to keep
their lunches from sliding off the foldout trays into their laps. He couldn’t
deny the sensation he felt that day, unsure whether he was imagining that she
felt it too. But by now he was looking forward to his trips with her. She was
someone to talk to who had a life beyond laundry and lunches and homemaking.
He’d begun to compare and contrast her with Karen. And though he hadn’t fallen
off the cliff, he fully realized just how close he was getting to the edge, and
with every inch his anticipation mounted.”
That’s just a story, but I wonder my friends, just
how close that story is to some marriages here in this crowded room tonight.
Psalm 128 is one of the ascent Psalms. We don’t know for sure but we like to
think that these Psalms were sung together by Pilgrims going on route to
Jerusalem for one of the great festivals. They weren’t traveling in Suburbans,
you understand, they would be walking–maybe a donkey or two–but it would be a
long and difficult trek, and singing these Psalms would make the time go by all
the sweeter, and I like that’s what these songs of Ascent are. They’re ascending
to Mount Zion, to a Jerusalem.
I. Marriage and family is the
ideal lifestyle.
Now what the psalm teaches us is three basic truths. 1. The
pattern of marriage and family as the ideal lifestyle. I don’t want to bend the
singles and the widows out of shape. There are things that need to be said in
addition to what I’m saying, I just don’t have time to go down any of those
roads tonight but you understand that. This Psalm is about marriage; it’s about
family and it’s about work. It’s a portrait of the blessedness read? happiness
of what life can look like. You know, we spend our time wondering, perhaps
longing for the lives of the rich and famous. You know, the Hollywood film
stars. What would it be like to be one of those just for a day or two. We’re
fools if we think like that, I’m sure you will agree. And this Psalm is unafraid
to say that marriage and children and work are where true happiness is found.
It’s not terribly exciting, is it? Wasn’t worth coming out to church on a Sunday
evening to hear that, was it? Didn’t excite me a great deal preparing it, I have
to tell you. Because what this Psalm is giving us is a cameo portrait of the
idyllic life where true happiness is found. In this morally relativistic age of
ours, Psalm 18 is the Focus on the Family button. You punch that button and what
do you get? Focus on the Family–that’s what Psalm 128 is. Unless of course, God
has given us the gift of singleness or providentially put us in certain
circumstances, and when He does that He always enables us in those circumstances
to find contentment. This is the ideal life. It’s about the routine of
employment; it’s about the routine of work; it’s about “six days thou shalt
labor.” It’s about taking delight in the wife of your youth. It’s about having
children and raising them with all of the strains and stresses that that brings
with it. It doesn’t get any better than this. And if you are saying “it doesn’t
get any worse than that,” start paying attention and take some notes. This was
God’s plan from the beginning. In the opening pages of Genesis in the Garden of
Eden, this is what the plan of God looked like. Gay and lesbian relationships
are not part of God’s plan. Single sex parenting is not
part of God’s plan. I’m sorry if that offends you; but don’t get offended with
me, you get offended with scripture because it’s not a part of God’s plan.
Divorce isn’t part of God’s plan. Now God tolerates divorce and sometimes
divorce is necessary as Ligon was preaching on last week. I’m glad he had that.
But He allows it; it’s sometimes necessary but it wasn’t part of God’s plan for
the existence of life on earth. This is what the ideal life looks life–married
with children. We need in the Christian church to underline that in this age in
which we are living, in this morally relativistic age in which we’re living, we
need to underline that fundamental point. The sheer joy, the sheer privilege,
the sheer happiness–is that what you’re teaching your children? Is that what
you’re teaching your teenagers? Is that the goal that you’re setting amidst all
of the formative influences that are coming to bear, is Psalm 128 the model, the
standard that you’re embracing. That’s the first thing.
II. The principle of male
leadership.
The second thing I want us to see from Psalm 128, and bear with
me, is the principle of male leadership in the home. I’m putting that way
because that’s the way this Psalm puts it. It’s an important issue. This psalm
has something to say to us about male leadership, it does! Here’s the blessed
life. When a man has his wife, who’s a fruitful vine, and children like olive
plants around his table, that’s the blessed life, where there is male leadership
in the home. Now, men, are you at home? And do you think of your home as a
treasure? Men, are you really at home? When you are at home, are you at home?
Now it’s possible to sound so terribly chauvinistic and controlling here, where
there is dominance and control and obsession and tyranny. That’s not what the
psalm is talking about. But it needs to be said, the Church needs men to lead
here, in the home. I think I could do a poll of this congregation, just of the
women, just of the wives, a secret poll. Do you want your husband to take more
leadership in the home? And I think, I may be wrong, I may be disappointed, but
I think there would be an overwhelming answer in the affirmative. There was a
time when little boys were little boys, and little girls were little girls. And
that seems now like a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Christian families
need a good dose of male leadership. I know that the “in” words are sensitivity
and gentleness, and the “in” word is vulnerability; I know that. But the home
also needs strength and courage and resourcefulness and determination. Allow
me to make a couple of points, about which this psalm is merely a cameo
portrait. Because what we have here in this psalm is a little portrait of a
family, home sweet home. You can scribble that on the top of Psalm 128 in your
Bibles, and you’d be accurate, because that’s what Psalm 128 is, Home Sweet
Home. What we have in this psalm is paralleled by a couple of statements that
Peter makes.
Do you remember the statement that Peter makes when
he refers to the woman as the weaker vessel? That’s got Peter into a lot of
trouble. What did he mean, by calling a woman the weaker vessel. Well, one of
two things. One, he was simply making a point about physical strength. Almost
everybody agrees, surely, that in that capacity, in that way, women are the
weaker vessels. Try playing golf, and not having a woman’s tee. Maybe, what
Peter is saying, and there’s another interpretation, is that by marrying she has
actually placed herself in a position of submission, and what Peter is saying is
that you must respect her now for doing that and not take advantage of her, and
not bully her. And, oh, shame on you men–if you bully your wives–and shame on
us men. Don’t let me put myself outside of this now–I don’t know where
Rosemary is; she’s not sitting in her usual seat. I trust she’s here somewhere.
But shame on us when we don’t treat our wives with the respect they are due.
That’s one statement.
Another statement is the remark that Peter makes in 1
Peter 3:7 when he refers to the husbands as treasuring their wives, their
brides, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Men, I don’t know about you,
but that scares me to death. I don’t want to mess with a verse like that.
There exists this possibility that, because of my unwillingness to play the role
of a godly husband and father in the home, my prayers may be hindered–that’s a
scary verse. That’s a fearful verse, because our marriages and the relationships
that we have in our marriage have a profound impact on our spiritual fellowship,
and our relationship with God will never be right if our relationship with our
wives and children is wrong. You know we have in the church today, women’s
meetings and men’s meetings, and men’s breakfasts, and men’s lunches, and I
don’t know what–and I’m sometimes tempted to start something entirely new and to
call it husbands and wives groups. I don’t think I’m too far off the mark; but
sometimes by stressing our individuality as male and female, we sometimes miss
the obvious of needing to relate to each other as husbands and wives. Look at
the Psalm. How blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in His ways.
When you shall eat of the fruit of your hands you’ll be happy. Your
work–happiness–your wife, your children around your table blessed is he who
fears the Lord. That’s the context. This is home, sweet home. You know the devil
is sometimes, I think, saying to us, “Give me your home, and you can have your
church, and you can have your men’s meetings, and you can have your men’s prayer
breakfasts–you can have all of that–just give me your home.” And you know
sometimes I think we say, “It’s a deal.” We can have a truce; we can have a
relationship, the devil and us. You can have my home, but leave me alone in
church. Men, what I’m saying is it’s up to you. Don’t blame your wives, don’t
blame your children, and don’t blame your circumstances. It’s up to you. When
husbands and wives and children chafe at this paradigm, that’s when the trouble
comes–when he loses his job, when she loses her youthful beauty, when he loses
his hair, when she loses her grip on reality.
In 1996, in Christianity Today there was this
moving statement by Robertson McCulkin. It was about his wife who was entering
Alzheimer’s. “Seventeen summers ago, Muriel and I began our journey into the
twilight. It’s midnight now. At least for her. And sometimes I wonder when dawn
will break. Even the dread Alzheimer’s disease isn’t supposed to attack so early
and torment so long yet in her silent world Muriel is so content, so lovable. If
Jesus took her home, how I would miss her gentle sweet presence. Yes, there are
times when I get irritated, but not often. It doesn’t make sense to get angry
and besides, perhaps the Lord has been answering the prayer of my youth to
mellow my spirit. Once I completely lost it. In the days when Muriel could still
stand and walk and when we had not resorted to diapers, sometimes there were
accidents. I was on my knees beside her trying to clean up the mess as she stood
confused. It would have been easier if she weren’t so insistent on helping–I got
more and more frustrated. Suddenly, to make her stand still I slapped her–as if
that would do her any good. She was startled; I was too. Never in our 44 years
of marriage had I ever so much as touched her in anger or in rebuke of any
kind–never–wasn’t even tempted; but now, when she needed me most. Sobbing I
plead with her to forgive me, no matter that she didn’t understand words any
better than she could speak them, so I turned to the Lord to tell Him how sorry
I was. It took me days to get over it. Maybe God bottled those tears to quench
the fires that might ignite again some day. It wasn’t long before I found myself
in the same condition on the floor in the bathroom. Muriel wanted to help.
Hadn’t cleaning up messes been her specialty? But now those busy hands didn’t
know what to do. I mopped frantically trying to fend off the interfering hands
and contemplated how best to get a soiled slip over a head that was totally
opposed to the idea. At that moment, Chuck Swindoll beamed from the radio in the
kitchen: ‘Men, are you at home–really at home?’ In the midst of my stinking
immersion I smiled, ‘Yea Chuck, I really am.’ Recently a student’s wife asked
me. ‘Don’t you ever get tired?’ Tired? Every night, that’s why I go to bed. No,
I mean “tired of” and she tilted her head toward Muriel who sat silently in her
wheelchair, her vacant eyes saying, ‘no one at home, just now.’ I responded to
the question. Why no, I don’t get tired. I love to take care of her; she’s my
precious.
Cindy and her husband are handsome, healthy, smart people and yet she admits
it’s hard constantly to affirm one another. What happens when there is so little
to commend? How does love make a difference? Love is said to evaporate if the
relationship is not mutual, if it’s not physical, if the other person doesn’t
communicate or if one party doesn’t carry his or her share of the load. When I
hear the litany of essentials for a happy marriage, I count off. But my beloved
can no longer contribute and I contemplate how truly mysterious love is.
Valentine’s day was always special at our home because that was the day in 1948
that Muriel accepted my marriage proposal. On the eve of Valentine’s Day in
1995, I read a statement by some specialist that Alzheimer’s is the most cruel
disease of all–that the victim is actually the caregiver. I wondered why I never
felt like a victim. That night I entered in my journal: the reason I don’t feel
like a victim is I’m not. When others urged me to call it quits, I responded,
‘Do you realize how lonely I would be without her? After I bathed Muriel, laid
her on her bed that Valentine’s eve and kissed her goodnight–she still enjoys
two things–good food and kissing; I whispered a prayer over her. ‘Dear Jesus,
you love sweet Muriel more than I, so please keep my beloved through the night.
May she hear the angel choirs. The next morning, I was peddling on my exercise
cycle at the foot of the bed and reminiscing about some of our happy lovers’
days long ago, and Muriel slowly emerged from sleep, and finally she popped
awake and as she so often does, smiled at me, and for the first time in months,
she spoke, calling out to me in a voice clear as crystal chimed, ‘Love! Love!’ I
jumped from my cycle and ran to embrace her. ‘Honey, you really do love
me, don’t you?’ Holding me with her eyes and patting me on the back, she
responded with the only words she could find to respond positively. ‘I’m nice,’
she said. Those may prove to be the last words she ever spoke.”
What’s my point? The sheer beauty of a home where
Christ is right at the center of it.
III. The purpose of family is the
fear of God.
You see, I have a third point. The third point is that the
purpose of family is the fear of God. Do you notice in verse 1 a little
inclusio? “How blessed is everyone who fears the Lord.” And look at verse 4,
“How blessed is the man who fears the Lord.” This cameo portrait of marriage and
family and home and work and this idyllic existence is wrapped, like book ends,
in the fear of God. Do you know why marriages fall apart? Because men and women
don’t fear God. Because young couples don’t invite God into their courtship.
When a marriage takes place and God isn’t even on the invitation list, when
couples set out with their dreams and hopes and aspirations and God is
breathtakingly absent; and it would take, in some marriages, a forensic
scientist to find the fingerprints of God. What would the fear of God look like
in a marriage? Revering, reverencing God’s eternality so that our minds are
ready to explode with the infinite thought that God never had a beginning.
Reverencing God’s knowledge that would make the Library of Congress like a
little paperback. Reverencing God’s authority. That means the devil can’t move
so much as an inch without the permission of God. Reverencing God’s providence
that not a hair turns gray without it. Reverencing God’s power because He can
walk on water and turn water into wine and still a storm on the sea. Reverencing
is purity because God has never had one bad thought. Reverencing His
trustworthiness because not a single promise of God can fail. Reverencing His
justice that renders all moral accounts either on the cross or in hell.
Reverencing God’s obedience that He would Himself embrace the cross and the
white heat that it entailed, and reverencing His wrath that one day will cause
men and women to cry to the rocks and the hills to hide them. Reverencing His
grace that God forgives the penitent and He heals the cries of the lost, and He
wipes away the tears of the distressed and troubled, and never gives up–never,
never! And reverencing His love that He took foul-smelling sinners like us and
whispered in our ears, “I love you! I love you! I love you!”
Men and women, do you know what a difference that
would make to our marriages if we would do that when trouble comes? When there’s
a call to make some act of self-denial and problems arise and difficulties come,
to set our marriages in the context of what God wants us to do is to give Him
glory. Our marriages, our homes are for the glory of God. Oh, take that home,
brother, sister; take that home. Take that home and let it transform your home
and marriage and life for Jesus’ sake. Let pray together.
Our Father in heaven, as we come to the close of this
Lord’s day, we ask Your blessing–we’re a needy people. Bless this word too, now
to our hearts, and to our souls, and to the broken hearted and the distressed.
Come, Holy Spirit, with words of comfort and cheer and help and encouragement
and hear us Lord for Jesus’ sake. Amen.